I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
