someone get that fucking seahorse.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
