We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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