I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
