The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
