I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
