I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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