Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
