I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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