the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
