normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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