I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
