Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
