Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
