Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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