Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
