Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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