1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
