I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
