HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
