I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
