For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
