Swine flu is the new snow day.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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