My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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