You're my little dorito
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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