my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
