I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
