I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
