It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
