I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
