I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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