I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
