Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
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