if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I AM VODKA MAN
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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