Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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