accomplished twins. life is a go
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
