I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
