Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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