WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
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