u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
