So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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