so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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