Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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