Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
