are you still at the devil's house?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
