So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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