chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
