You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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