i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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