I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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