never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
