My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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